Fairy in a Bottle and Other Tales
by twilightm00n
Summary: Ever wonder how much it must suck to be one of those healing fairies in a bottle? Find out firsthand what one of them thinks, and she's not pleased. Now with Just Your Friendly Neighborhood Redead added!
1. Fairy In A Bottle

Disclaimer: Zelda is not mine because in order for me to have come up with it, I would have to be a genius, which I am sadly not.

AN: This little blurb got into my head while I was doing math of all things. I thought how much it must suck for those healing fairies that Link always captures in those bottles of his and this was born…

Those Goddess-damned heroes… If I had to breathe I would be good and dead right about now, which I must admit sounds appealing compared to this infernal cage.

I glowered ineffectively at my green-clad tormentor through the transparent wall. If only I knew some offensive magic! But noooo… Nayru only saw it fit to endow us "lesser" fairies with _healing_ magic. Yippee for us. And that slobbering, desperate she-devil of a fairy queen isn't any better. May she rot in the deepest pits of hell with only the Redead for company! Just because the first mortal man you meet in a millennia smiles and acts politely doesn't mean you should decide you like him and set down a law for your subjects to heal him whenever they meet the pointy-eared bastard. It doesn't matter if you're cooped up in crystal for Farore knows how long. It doesn't matter if your wings get cramped and achy. And it certainly doesn't matter that one lucky swing from a Moblin or Stalfos could smash you into bits along with your blasted prison.

My glow became steadily brighter while my rage simmered even higher. With no visible outlet to vent my feelings, I hovered up and down in a frenzy while insulting the sword-wielding Hylian with every epithet I could think of in my admittedly vulgar vocabulary.

"You slimy mud-sucking son of a Like-like," was just one of my milder comments. For the sake of the children and sprites out there I won't describe the rest of my rant, but you get the idea. The fact that my cage made all of the insults stillborn did not sweeten my mood.

_Great._ I glanced at my surroundings while noting the substantial increase in pointy objects, traps and enemies. An enormous door with an elaborate lock stood at the opposite end of the room. Really, could those idiotic castle-builders _be_ any more obvious? Even my grunting, speech-disabled captor could understand _that._ You would think this was a game or something…

_Ouch!_ That was my wing you blundering imbecile! Don't you know how to fight those nitwits by now?? You could be more wary of your captive's health you know! I thought that shiny sword was supposed to be almighty and the "evil's bane!" Hmph. I suppose even _that_ sword couldn't help you that much.

---20 minutes of caustic remarks and bloody gore later---

Thank Din you _finally_ made it to the pig-man! Now maybe you can die, I can give you a quick sprinkle of fairy dust (don't ask how I made it) and I'll be freed from this horrible container!

By the Triforce! Stop monologuing you green-faced ogre! I don't care that you can play a bloody organ and kidnap magical princesses! Just get on with it!

---10 minutes of dramatic gestures, gasping, showing-off of sparkling tattoos and unintelligible fairy cursing later---

_Finally!_ Wait, where did that boy get those light arrows from?! Oh no! Get up pig-man! Nononononono! _Kill_ him you red-haired freak so I can leave! _No, don't you dare die!_ DAMN IT!

Looks like I'm gonna be here for a while…


	2. Just Your Friendly Neighborhood Redead

**AN:**I've been gone sooo long on fanfiction… But, hopefully this will be somewhat entertaining. Sorry to those who still want more chapters from my Owner's Manuals. I've been quite a lazy bastard, I'll admit it freely. To be honest I probably won't update them for a while still since school's starting up soon. Anyway hope you guys enjoy and go hug a Redead! (they totally need the love!!)

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_**Just Your Friendly Neighborhood Redead**_

It's tough to be a Redead these days. I mean I know Hylians aren't the most accepting lot but really, you would think people would learn to see underneath the face you know? It isn't _my_ fault that Dark Magic tends to decompose flesh rapidly and cause a putrid stench (or at least so I've heard since I lack a nose). I've _tried_ to explain that perfumes are hard to spray upon one's self when one lacks the tendons necessary to use their hands, but everyone just runs away before I can get the first shriek out! Hmph! At least when _I_ was alive, my mother had taught me to pay attention when someone speaks, although granted that was eons ago…

As for that green, elf-like fellow, he's quite the rudest of them all! When I first saw him and his little blue firefly I must admit that I wasn't too impressed (he was wearing _tights_ after all). However, once I heard him converse in those grunts and cries of his I thought I had _finally_ found a Hylian that spoke our language! I confess I was so delighted that I gave a howl of joy and greeted him as an old friend. I even tried to give him the customary hug of greeting I was excited at my discovery!

Sadly, the savage Hylian he was, he froze completely with fright (why does everyone I might _do_ that?!) and without further ado, he stuck his monstrous blade in my torso! It didn't hurt of course, being as I'm deceased and all, but it hurt my feelings nonetheless. To add insult to injury, while I was prone from shock, the minx lockpicked my treasure chest and stole the crystal heart that I've guarded my entire afterlife!

Then he had the absolute _gall_ to go and play that simply _dreadful_ tune. It was full of sunshine and daisies and remembering it even now makes me want to vomit. As it was, that horrid melody had some magical doohickey in it that set me aflame and charred my best coffin! It was quite uncomfortably warm let me tell you. If this is what I receive for reaching out to others like my therapists told me than I will never try to hug another Hylian again!

It must be my fate to be misunderstood…

_Fin_

**AN:** Makes you want to pity him right?

**Random Omake! YAY!**

**_Crane Game Ganon!_**

"Dammit! I just can't get him!" Ganondorf growled. A gauntleted fist smashed through the innocent minion standing next to him in a burst of bloody glory. Ignoring his now wet and gorey hand, Ganondorf glared at the godforsaken, green-wearing, ugly, _meanie-head_ on the screen with all of his considerable powers of loathing and hatred.

Watching the veins bulge in their master's temple, the rest of the loyal Moblins, Stalfos and Ironknuckles _not_ bursting into bloody glory oh-so-subtly edged away from the King of Thieves. Their thoughts were unanimous. _He's forgotten his meds **again**_...

Getting slightly more frantic, the orange-haired fiend continued his little tantrum at his inability to catch his archnemesis.

"This is my last quarter and he's halfway through the freaking temple! I knew these games were always rigged!" After a moment of staring at the incredibly pretty and _shiny_ coin in the palm of his hand, the Demon King (of Awesomeness!) inserted his last hope into the contraption in front of him. At once, a dark hand-like shadow appeared on-screen with the blond-haired figure and what looked like a tiny ball of glowing blue light.

Audible through the speakers was the sound of a horribly irritating voice squawking at the green figure in warning.

"_Look! Listen! _Watch for the shadows of monsters that hang from the ceiling! _Listen! Look!_"

Muttering under his breath about obnoxious alarm fairies, Ganondorf seized the little joystick in front of the screen and gazed with utmost concentration at that evil, _evil_ boy. He would get his _precious_, oh yesss...

...

...

Or not.

Crying out in indignant rage when the zombified hand failed to capture the Hylian in its mummified grasp and consequently got skewered in half with a sword and creative use of a boomerang, the slightly pyschotic Gerudo put his head in his hands and cried. Replacing the picture on-screen, repeated flashes of the sign "GAME OVER" flickered on a black background. Underneath the red letters, tiny golden print said to "try again!"

Fidgeting awkwardly, and attempting to block out the sound of a mind shattering right in front of them, the minions were once again sharing the same exact thought.

_We don't get freaking paid enough for this shit..._

**AN:** I'll leave that to speak for itself. -evil cackles-


End file.
